The upshot is that many of us get stuck in draining relationships
Feelings stirred up by a close friend often echo unresolved issues from childhood, like sibling rivalry or fear of abandonment, and unless those feelings are acknowledged, no amount of discussion can save the relationship
In my own life, I seem to have a knack for attracting needy friends. Even though I joke about my nonpaying ”caseload,” I struggle to set limits.
”Women seem to be both hardwired and socialized to be nurturing,” says Sandy Sheehy, author of Connecting: The Enduring Power of Female Friendship (William Morrow). Sheehy tells the story of Martha, a graduate student, wife, and mother who felt sucked dry by an emotionally dependent friend. After unsuccessfully trying the usual stop-calling-and-drift method, Martha found a way to extricate herself while allowing the other woman to preserve her dignity. She said, ”I can’t be the friend you want me to be.” Sheehy says, ”Martha took the burden of inadequacy on herself.” It’s like a boyfriend telling you, ”I can’t love you the way you deserve,” instead of saying, ”I don’t love you.”
Sheehy also recommends explicitly calling it quits if you have what she terms an enabling friendship. ”Maybe you started out as drinking pals or shared a shopping jones, but now you want to stop the behavior that brought you together,” she says. ”It’s more responsible to admit that you don’t think you can maintain intimacy and not binge than to pretend you can’t see her because you’ve suddenly taken up scuba diving.”
